I have see this campaign going off for a while now in YouTube. I feel like sharing my story because I think I kindda have a different story than most people out there.
Other female YouTube are giving positive vibe, life lesson and encouragement to themselves and other, but for me that is not the case. If I am gonna give advise to a younger me, I wouldn't be able to. I feel like there is nothing I can do to change what happen to me and I already to my best in what I can do make the best of the situation. And no, I am not here to brag about how good my life was and how prefect everything goes. In fact, it's the opposite.
I can't deny that I grow up in a unique family. The person that I trust most is also the ones that hurt, cheat, poison, discourage, and tarnish me the most. This makes me have really low self esteem. I don't know know what is right or wrong, I don't know who I should trust. I isolate myself so that I wouldn't get hurt further. As a result, I have 0 social skills. I can't make friends, I don't know how to communicate, I don't speak much. If I would go back to to talk to my younger self, I really have no idea what would I say to change things. Everything is out of my circle of influence.
The situation continues as I goes into secondary school, but I finally able to take myself off the problem for a short period of time every day and enjoy what I like. I was a librarian, I spend most of my time in library after school. I like books even in a younger age, but I was not allow to enjoy this hobby. I was able to make some friends, but there are just slightly more than acquaintance. We never hang out much after secondary but I do enjoy hanging out with them a lot. Perhaps it's because they are my only friends or perhaps they are the one who is at my lowest point of my life, there is nothing more to hide. However, even if we do hang out on the once in a blue moon meetup, I do not talk much too. I like listening to them, their stories. The gossip, their life, everything seems so interesting, 2 hours are never enough.
Shortly after secondary, we parted. Some of us work, some of us continue high school and college. My life is a bit better, I emerge myself into academy and leave what I think the source of the problem. But I still can't change who I am. I fake it to make myself more confident, more intelligent and more mature. No one knows how vulnerable and helpless I am under the sugar coat.
I have no idea what advise to give my younger self. I think I can say "Stay strong, thing will eventually gets better:. But I know, for some people, things never get better, if not worse. I envy what other people has, such a good vibe for themselves and the people around them.
Maybe I haven't fully come out from the shadow. Maybe I just need more time. Maybe there is this one day that I will finally comes out from the shadow and realize everything is so unimportant and tiny compare to what is around. I do glad I overcame the the suicidal thoughts, I can only hope things will eventually get better (though it might not always be).
Cheers!
No comments:
Post a Comment